I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free
by irisosgoode
Summary: Continuation of Season 5's midseason finale. She's a commitment-phobe, he's a possessive romantic. Will tension in the White House become too much to bear? May switch to M-rating in later chapters. Title inspired by the incredible Nina Simone song. Review for more installments! Olitz endgame.
1. Chapter 1

I had never believed I was made for anyone. My hand fit no one's, my heart voidless, my eyes heavy and dimmed with distrust. From the moment he apologized for suddenly firing me, I came to the realization that our dynamic was epic and devastating all at once. If I had never laid eyes on him, none of the pain would have trailed behind us. But all roads lead to Fitz, and that was always how it would be.

Perhaps Cyrus was right. I ruled over him by constantly influencing his political strategies. Fitz was used to taking command over our physical and emotional relationship, yet this time, his touch and his kiss could not get him out of the situation that had just blindsided us. In the privacy of the White House master bedroom, we had been in a screaming match over the fact that I had missed the Cabinet dinner. I was already emotionally unsettled when I dropped my bag and saw Fitz anxiously waiting for my arrival. If he ever found out about my secret abortion behind his back, especially after serenading me with marriage and family propositions, I knew he could never look me in the eye ever again. He deserved to know, but I knew if he found out, he would never have allowed me to go through with the procedure.

So I took in his hurt expression, argued with him about being First Lady, and then finally to my disbelief, I managed to spew out the most spiteful words of all. The room shattered with a second of destruction lingering in the atmosphere between us when I blurted, "There is no future, no Vermont, not anymore." Fitz's lips parted slightly, his eyebrows furrowed, and the crease of his forehead wrinkled. I stepped closer to him, his eyes darkening as I stole a glimpse of his lips. His face softened as he ran his tongue slowly along his bottom lip as he focused on my frown.

"Just tell me why you're afraid. Why you don't want to be with me. I deserve to know." Fitz's husky tone caused me to shudder and I had trouble catching my breath as all the air escaped my lungs for only a moment. It was clear we had both cooled down from the heated fight, however now we were heating up in a different way. It was surprising to see him inch toward me and run his index finger along my jawline lightly. "Liv, I want us to communicate. Please." Fitz leaned down and nuzzled his head on my shoulder. There he went. Using his superpowers to overtake my anger and frustration, and it was working. I ran my hand through the curls at the back of his head continuously as he sighed into my neck.

"Living here is tiring and I'm just not used to it. I didn't have _time_ to get used to any of this."

Fitz lifted his head up and rested his forehead against hers. I could feel is erratic, hot breath on my cheeks. His eyes sparkled with tears, so faintly I hardly noticed at first. But then his voice shook like I had never heard it before.

"If we had met in another time, another place, it would have been easier," he muttered.

"You don't know that." I smiled faintly at him and he mustered the best closed-mouth smile he could, but I saw his lips quiver.

"I'd like to think that." His voice faltered. Fitz then took the hooch from my hand and unscrewed the cap. He gulped down a sip and his face scrunched up in immediate regret. Handing it back to me, Fitz walked over to the bed and laid down on his back. He stared at the ceiling and folded his hands on his chest.

Watching him, I knew he was too emotional at this point to tell him about the procedure. I picked up my cell from the bedside table and decided to confide in the only person she felt ready to: Abby. I left Fitz alone in the bedroom and wandered the halls waiting for Abby to pick up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi Gladiators! The first chapter was just a little taste/intro to my storyline. The remainder of the story will be in third person, unlike the first chapter. Hope you enjoy it.**

Pacing back and forth in the darkened hallway, Liv waited for Abby to pick up.

"Liv? Hey, what's going on?" Inhaling shakily, Liv tried to find the words, but she couldn't seem to place them. She walked toward the window further down the hall and sat down on the window seat.

"Liv?"

"Yeah, hi, I'm here. I should have told you sooner, but I wasn't even sure if I was going to tell anyone. I mean, it's done. It's handled. I believed it was the rational thing to do…" Liv's words began to spiral out of control, her pace increasing and words falling into each other. "No one can know. Not a soul. Not Cyrus, not anyone. If Fitz ever found out…"

"Liv, slow down. What's wrong? What did you do?" Her hitching at the concern in her friend's voice.

"If I say it, it will be real."

"You woke me up, just voiced your inner monologue, and you're backing out now? Night, Olivia…"

Liv cut her off and launched out the truth. "I found out I was pregnant with Fitz's child. But you know the time is not right. I had no choice. I decided to get an abortion secretly without telling Fitz I was even pregnant in the first place. It's a burden. I feel sleazy, sick, and I cannot sleep next to him just thinking about what I've done."

The line went silent. Liv heard Abby breathe heavily and then a sharp intake of breath before she spoke again. "Oh, I see… It's your choice to make, so it's not my place to critique the decision. It's done, it happened. But don't you think the man you're in love with and sleep with in the White House deserves to know the truth, Liv? Trust, remember?"

Liv's eyes brimmed with stinging tears and her lungs felt as if they were collapsing in on themselves.

"I can't. I don't know how I'd even begin to start that conversation." Liv consciously lowered her voice, feeling it escalate with nerves. "Like, hey Fitz, I aborted the fetus of the child you've always wanted. The one you told me over and over you wanted to have with me…" Her throat burned and she stopped herself from continuing.

"I think you need to tell him. It will eat away at you. Liv, take care of yourself, okay? You know I know what it's like to be burdened with something you feel you can't talk about to anyone. But if you don't tell him, if he _ever_ finds out you kept something that huge form him, you're ruining your relationship for good."

"Ok, thanks Abby. I have to go." Liv hung up suddenly and crept back to the bedroom. She saw that Fitz was up. Hopefully he hadn't heard her in any capacity. He was sitting up in bed, ruffling his bedhead. Liv slipped into the covers and rolled over onto her side so she wouldn't have to look at him.

"Livvie? Liv?" Fitz whispered hoarsely. She turned to face him and could make out the confusion in his eyes, and his dreamy, crooked smile when she sat up at eye-level with him.

"I just had an OPA call I needed to take," she lied. He placed his warm hand on her shoulder and snaked it down her back lightly, finally reaching her ass. Fitz pulled her onto his lap and ran his hands up and down the small of her back. He leaned in and whispered into her ear.

"And everything's okay?" Fitz purred. Liv's breath became labored.

"Mhm."

Fitz's hand drifted from her collarbone, lingering right above her breast. His lips parted at her immediate reaction. He had so much power over her. His hand hovered over her chest, feeling her through shirt.

"Since we're already up…" Fitz growled. He licked his lips and awaited a response. Liv pushed him away. He pouted and laid back in bed, wounded at the rejection of his advances.

"Why don't you want me?" He asked. Liv disliked when Fitz became needy, it was suffocating. She loved him, was drowning with love, but this was _not_ the time she wanted to be comforted with intimacy.

"I'm just thinking. I think I'm going to go back to my crisis management firm. I know the optics won't be in my favor, but you know I hate this first lady side of things."

Both of them stared up at the ceiling, trying to switch the subject, because neither liked the topic of conversation the other was bringing up.

"If you want, maybe tomorrow night we can sneak away? Stay at your place for a while?"

Before Liv felt forced to answer his request, Fitz's cell buzzed from inside the drawer of the side table. He sat up and answered to hear Cyrus neurotically stammering on the line.

"S-sir. I've just been informed that Mellie is issuing a surprise announcement on the Liberty Report tomorrow evening. I-I told you that staying with Mellie until the end of your presidency was the best decision. But did you do it? No."

"Cyrus? You have got to be joking."

"I wish I were Mr. President. But tomorrow, Mellie is going to announce to the world the true reason why you sent troops to invade West Angola." Fitz hung up the phone and slammed it against the wall. He leaped out of bed and ran his hands anxiously through his hair.

Liv watched him incredulously; unsure of what had just happened.

"Fitz! What did Cyrus say?" Fitz faced the wall, looking like he was ready to punch. "Fitz! Answer me!"

"I am going to resign from my presidency tomorrow morning."


End file.
